My Hijrah Story

I’m just a normal girl like other girls out there. We like to have fun and do silly things that we think are funny. I was born in a religious environment family. We have tahlil & yassin almost every Friday night. At the age of 10 I’m able to memorize the tahlil. I love that positive environment that’s going around me. But at that age as a girl, we like to play around and be pretty (DON’T LIE !!). We like to be a princess and wear this beautiful and nice dresses. The hardest part for me to accept is the hijab/tudong. I went to high school when I was 11 years old and I have my period already. In Islam if you’re a girl and have your period already, you were consider as an adult. That’s mean your sin is on yourself and not at your parents anymore. By this time you feel the responsibility in yourself. As you know the awrah (body parts that need to cover) for girl is all of the body accept your face and your two hands.

At that time I always want to look pretty. And wearing tudong is not my choice. Hair is my everything at that time. I even straighten my hair. Hahaha.. I have a very bad hair at that time and straighten it is my last choice. Even I went to ‘mengaji’ class every Friday & Sunday, yes I’m not lying it’s every Friday and Sunday, my heart still can’t accept me wearing tudong. I only wear it when I went to wedding function, doa selamat function and of course at school. I always think that I look old when I wear it. At this time we only have bawal while shawls yet to get popular.

In 2008 I was 13 years old already and I’m in my second year of high school. It was during Aidilfitri that my aunt asked me ‘So where is your tudong ?’ And I was like ‘What ?’ and she asked again ‘Why you don’t wear your tudong ?’. I was like - just calm down dear, no need to worry it was just a question. And I just smile and say ‘I don’t wear it today.’ And then she left because someone called her. Pheeewww.. That was one hard question honestly. From that time her question keep playing in my mind, I even asked myself why I don’t wear it ? Why it’s hard for me to cover my awrah perfectly ?

The feeling of wanting to wear it is there but my heart still can’t accept it. It’s hard for me to not show my hair. It’s your hair, your most beautiful hair. People say ‘rambut adalah mahkota seorang perempuan’ and I believe in that. I even have the idea of wanting to color my hair. Hahaha.. but my dad immediately and strictly say no. Is your wudhu even ‘sah’ he say, even your prayers is not accepted. Bap !! I’ve been hit by a big stone really hard I don’t even have a word after that.

During this period of time also, I really into malay dramas. And as you know at that time most of the actresses is not wearing tudong. Some people might not realized but this dramas affected me so bad that I think I want to look like them. Yes, their style really inspire me. Society maybe underestimate this little things, they don’t realized this little things affected so many people and it can become a big things. And if you realized from 2009 social media start becoming a hit. And at this time also if you realized some people become ‘model’ of the social media. Hahahaha.. well that’s not including me because I don’t have a beautiful picture/selfie. I just use my normal selfie as my profile picture. And of course still without my tudong at that time.

And this is the time when it gets a little hard. If you have facebook at this time you should not lie because I know you like it when someone hit the ‘like’ button. Hahahaha !! Yes, I do like it when someone like my picture and that is really bad actually. You tend to go crazy about the like button. The more likes you get, the more it encourage you to upload more of your pictures or status. Of course you only choose the best of the best, the most beautiful and the most stand out. During this time I do want people to recognize me. Well shortly, being famous. Hahahaha !! make me laugh so hard. I was so overwhelm with all this ‘likes’. Set aside all the sins that I have commit without I even realize it. 

It happened over a year already and ‘Ustaz/Ustazah facebook’ also getting popular. And there’s this one phrase that keep me thinking for a very long time. I don’t remember all of it but it sounds like this ‘Dia sembahyang, dia baik, dia taat kepada ibu bapa, dia membaca al-Quran, dia tidak berzina tetapi dosanya tetap di catit di mana sahaja dia berada. Siapa kah dia ? Ya, seorang wanita yang memperlihatkan auratnya di media-media social. Walaupun suatu hari nanti dia mati, dosanya tetap berjalan.’ This phrase, it really hit me so bad man. I keep thinking about it. Thinking of wanting to delete my picture or keep it because I am so obsessed with the ‘likes’ that I’m getting lately. Hahahaha.. I’m so stupid. 

From that day I keep looking at my picture and pictures that my friends tagging me. One by one I look at it. Honestly I’m crying inside, I’m broken but there’s still something inside me that I can’t let go. I can’t delete that picture, it’s my memories. I want people to see it, I want people to know my life. My so called ‘happy life’. My heart still can’t take it me wearing tudong or ‘menutup aurat dengan sempurna’. At this time you know the struggle is real. Melawan hawa nafsu is a real struggle in your life. And I’m still struggling between this ‘menutup aurat’ or ‘tidak menutup aurat’ thing.

What I realize at this time, my heart is looking for something and I don’t know what it is. I try to find something but I don’t know what I want. I’m not feeling calm also. Sentiasa dalam keadaan resah dan gelisah. Even at night I can’t sleep well, there’s something bothering me but I can’t find it what it is. And here some another phrase that make me change 360 degrees. It sounds like this ‘Tahukah kamu aurat seorang wanita di tanggung oleh suaminya, bapanya, abangnya dan adik lelakinya ? Betapa banyak orang yang tidak berdosa telah kamu bawa ke neraka perlahan-lahan. Tidak kah kamu kasihan akan mereka ?’ And for a few minutes my mind is empty. I can hear actually someone saying ‘Berubahlah. Kau sayang kan mereka kan ? In syaa Allah everything will be fine.’

I can feel tears inside of my eyes. Why ? Why now ? I feel this calmness in my heart. It seems like I saw a new light to a new path. Allah.. thank you, all this time I don’t know what I’m looking for but now I know. I even get better than that, ‘Hidayah-Mu’. You can’t describe the feeling. This feeling is so beautiful, you can’t even find it anywhere. Suatu ketenangan yang sangat tenang, terasa diri lebih ringan, terasa beban yang di tanggung sudah hilang. Ini lah ketenangan yang di cari selama ini. Semoga kita sentiasa istiqamah setiap hari. May Allah give His guidance and may you all find your own calmness. Even now I’m still struggling to be a better muslim but I know Allah will help me. :)